So, I stumbled across this cool site today and on it were a bunch of comics relating to airline travel. My favorite, “The Saddest Thing I’ve Ever Heard On an Airplane,” got me thinking about crap travelers say. Now, I’ve never had the pleasure of overhearing anyone express authentic joy about getting the entire can of soda during the beverage service (oh, how I wish I had), but I have heard travelers say a bunch of other stupid shit. And in honor of the approaching mad travel season, I thought I’d offer a bit of a send-up.
1.) “Would you mind switching to the aisle so my husband and I can sit together?” Yes, actually, I would totally mind. I bought a window seat, period. One time I told a guy who asked me to give up the seat I’d paid for on a ninety minute flight that I was terrified of heights and had to sit next to the window or I would have a panic attack. Ninety awkward minutes ensued. But guess what? I sat by the window.
2.) “Milan is ugly.” Uttered by an Italian, no less.
3.) “What row are they boarding?” Guess what? They just freakin’ said it. If you can’t listen, you’re not gonna survive the trip. Don’t be the guy who shows up five minutes before final boarding and stands there asking everyone if they’ve boarded your row yet. Just. Listen.
4.) “You people (insert bias statement here)…” When we were in Croatia, an irate, hyper-tanned American dude screamed at the staff of an overnight ferry because it was taking too long to board. Bro, we’re in another land. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
5.) “This is where so-and-so died or such-and-such happened.” Unless you’re my dad and oddly know everything about everywhere, check your facts. If you’re gonna tell people Columbus landed somewhere, you’d better make damn sure he did.
Also: if you’ve been to India, don’t let it go to your head. And: avoid the word, “meh” at all costs when describing a destination. Everywhere is a little bit awesome for a little (or large) reason. The point is to find it. Hint: the Eiffel Tower is not “meh.” That’s just bananas.